Emotional awareness.

I feel that I must speak of this. It is who I am. It is where I came from..
I have had to learn emotional awareness through the most despicable of means. My consciousness has been played with, when I was a very young child, for I did not have the emotional support for being the little sorceress I was. Everything confused me, but they either didn't notice or projected their own thoughts onto me..ugh. I felt so alone at times, so trapped, and so desperate to change my situation.
And then I began to wake up..Somehow, even though everything on the physical plane seemed to be so messed up, a light came pouring like a whisper through the shadows, and my heart knew that there was so much more.
They tried to blind my eyes with religion and manipulation. I fought so long and hard in the shadow realm for my mind, but somehow they managed to hold onto a part of me for some time.
My grandmother died and I knew there was so much more to this even though I was so confused and felt so lost. I knew that the world was going to change, my world, the little worlds of all the people, and the huge, formless world of everything. That was all I knew.
I'm shivering while writing this..But then something happened. I met a soul who I knew that I knew in a past life, because our connection was so strong. But I became too attached. I was clinging to him and my feelings for him and I blinded myself from the bigger picture.
But amidst all of this, I was able to travel that summer. I was able to go to Chichen Itza in the Yucatan, and visit what I now know are the lands of my people.
This world can confused everything it seems for so many. And I felt a pulling on my heart. And I tried to make new friends and bring myself out of the dark place I had been in for that time, and then I met a soul that I cannot simply describe in these words. He brought me out of the darkness in a way that no other ever could - he showed me my OWN inner light. He made me realize how beautiful I was. For this I know I will see him again in the other worlds, for he died, you see, and something shifted in me.
He and I had a confusing, complicated relationship it seemed. Yet on the inner side of things, there was intricacy, intimacy, and complexity of so much beauty. Yet I was afraid of these feelings of intimacy and I saw him as other than he is. Because I wanted to feel free. And he made me realize how free I did not feel. He felt so trapped and lost, that he let go of everything that makes one human. And he let his soul float away on a heroin overdose. I love him still. I will always. He is a part of me, for you see, on the night that he died, I became another person.
I began to remember everything that I knew had been blocked from me by some error in consciousness. I saw and felt my Higher self lifting me up. I felt that I had to be strong, for there was no other way of dealing with this except by letting the universe lead where it will. I let go of need for control, surrendering to everything the universe could possibly throw at me. I felt limitless and yet so afraid all at once.
Somewhere along the way I began to get lost in escapist tendencies, and I swam through an ocean of nothingness to numb the pain of remembering what hurt so terribly to forget.
Yet then, I met another soul. She is one of the airiest of the airy people I have ever met. I love her so dearly, and so deeply. She showed me myself, through illusion and recreation and mediation. And disillusion. And release. We both had so much pain, so much that we forgot and so much we knew was to be remembered.
She also taught me the intricacies of massage. My body is still remembering.
I will continue on this in another post. Let love and light rain upon our hearts and open our inner eyes.