If there's anything I'm learning, it's that no mistake is too big to repair. And the only thing that causes stress is not being in the present.
I've been very strong in my intention to eat all raw. I know it's going to help me to be stronger in every way. In addition to this, I'm also going to start taking tai chi and kick boxing classes soon.
My body is remembering a lot that I cannot form into words right now. It's as if I'm starting from square one. And there's nowhere to go but into that vastness, infinity.
I have been reading one chapter of the Tao every day.
I'm here. And things never, ever happen as you expect them too. You can't try to manifest. What we can do is intend, if we have the energy.

And in my mind I sit
balanced at the tip-top 
of an evergreen pine
surrounded by glowy whiteness

And my form is pure yellow light
fading into the infinite whiteness

I
am nothing.
only
particles of awareness
scattered out 
into eternity.

This 
is what death feels like.
release of surrender. 

This is what I resolve to be.

There's something unfathomably unique about every person's eyes. It is a most indescribable truth; it simply is as a tree stands or as the wind blows.. as clouds float and birds fly. When one unique pair of eyes looks upon the wild, growing, untamed earth there is never a limit to what one can see.
And someday they, too, will be a bird, a tree, a cloud, the wind. As they have been countless times previous. And just as everything becomes everything, so too do the seasons change and one day you wake up to find that summer has suddenly changed to fall.. the transition being so natural and so gradual that you could not have realized until the winds blew in the nostalgic smells of childhood, of running and playing in leaves, and firewood burning and apples growing riper.
And so too do our hearts change - we worry and talk to ourselves frantically over one little thing and then we find we cannot even remember what the damn issue was. And we realize how many paths there are in our forest; for life in not a path, it is the openness that transcends all paths and yet reveals them in one stroke - life is a forest.
Paths are just paths. And death comes quickly and quietly, like the winds which blow away the green summer leaves turned brown and dry, dryness that will become the earth, the soil once more.
I will not regret ever shedding tears, for sadness, pain, joy or insanity. I'd rather be mad than cripplingly rational. I'd rather die than live a lie.

True seers do what they do for free.

There's something that's been on my heart for a long time that I want to tell you about today. There's a rising number of "psychics" "empath healers" etc. who are part of the new cycle of seers that just simply are not seers! Why? you may ask. Because for one to be a true seer, a true healer, they would not ask money for these services and abilities. A warrior who sees helps another luminous being when they see an omen and they know what must be done. Charging a fee for their sight is complete exploitation. Now, I understand that sometimes everyone needs money in this paradigm. So do something like odd jobs or selling fruits and vegetables, or giving people car rides, or even making food. Something that you are passionate about. But charging money for your gifts as a seer is not okay. I will never go to "psychic fair" unless they are not asking for money to enter, to receive, or to be nurtured.

This is memory. Not so long ago, but not so recent, either.

A moment stood, facing me.
My heart began a new beat, faster.
I began to remember
what it meant to remember;
tides of light came up from my depths
where I swam in subjectivity.
From my body was released a knowing
and I exploded..
The warrior within became realized, and
fear became an ally and a guide to fearlessness.
What was lost was gained in luminosity.
I felt a bliss I cannot describe, in
finding my form was becoming - was to become-
more light.
A purpose arose inside - one I was made to forget - a task was appointed..
in forgetting it manifested.
A moment arose, and I stood,
facing the unknown with fear and fearlessness.
Great, catalyzing shifts began occurring,
the moment I let go of seeking others' sight -
yet I sought something, for desire is what veered me off my course..
yet also a part of what drove me forward.
A healing hand touched me, and it burned
like a thousand tiny flames,
like lightning in the core of me.
I lived in a phantom world for over three days and nights, as
I felt the earth spin and the polarities shift as my assemblage point moved deeper within
and I became something unfamiliar to this world.
And then the red waters released from within, and my body
purged itself of what I held onto.
I given a choice and I chose to bring with me the ones
I love but cannot have, the ones
who always showed me what must 
be and what could not be known.
So my awakening was drowned, like
cold water poured out over fiery hot stones, and
now I am steam that goes into everything around me..
And I remember that it was for
them, that I chose to forget so
we all would remember.
And I am joyful. 

It's funny, the last time I wrote on this I had given the impression that I was leaving for a live-changing journey into the unknown that would shatter my world as I knew it forever. And yet, I cannot say that this is untrue. But things never go as we expect them to.

Time and time again throughout the summer we tried to leave this city, not so much out of what we claimed, but by our desire to travel that felt unfulfilled and unacknowledged by the adults around us. We walked through many forests and never fully saw what we were looking at until something felt into place and we realized that the magic had been with us all along, that we did not need to leave our homes and our families to understand this.

Claiming warriorship is foolish unless one can see oneself past the eyes of the world who is only looking.
I am happy that I'm not leaving yet. There's something beautiful about leaving as well as staying, and that's the unknown.